Facebook, Face-blah

Facebook, where do i begin....

coming from a private school with 12 seniors and 400 kids total from a school of k-12 is it not enough that i am not constantly under a microscope and now i have to be watched in every aspect of my life. Now it seems your not "cool" if you don't have a facebook. Doesn't it seem like it was just 2 weeks ago that myspace was the breeding ground for social scandals and drama controversies. "OMG like Justin just commented on the pic of me and u like swimming. he sed i looked totally hottttttttttttttttttttttt!!" OMG I don't care. Do people now have nothing to do but see how many groups you have joined or how many friends you have bitten and turned into vampire or super heroes or clowns or Indians or cancer inducing leeches that suck life out of people so they have no choice but feel the need to be constantly updated on who biffy's boffing. 5 specific reasons why facebook is morally corrupt:

Reason 1: When you create an account on Facebook, you enter in your birthday. This means that it will automatically notify people when your birthday is coming. Because when you log onto to the site it immediately smacks you with what they call a "News Feed" so it is inevitably noticeable. Which means that everyone you are "friends" with will see. So b-day comes and guess what, no one but your cousin, your sister and your best friend has said happy birthday. You know that everyone else knows but still nothing. Or the more common situation: you get on your email and you see you have 200 new messages all from facebook. Every friend you have has wished you happy birthday. Sweet! Not really, half of the people who posted anything are doing it for selfish reasons. Usually they are doing it so that when their birthday comes around you will feel obligated to post an insincere message telling them "Happy birthday darling! You are AMAZING! Love you!", my bet is, they don't love you. Or they posted something on your wall because then when their friends sign on they'll see the stupid news feed and be like, "eh ma gawd, who is this girl? Why did she say Happy Birthday to her? She has so many friends that i don't know about so now i am going to secretly hate her and start drama. Then when she asks me why i am mad at her i won't tell her! Isn't it brilliant. Then i will get everyone else at our school to talk bad about her and make her cry in the bathroom!" Hurrah for the shallow minded!

Reason 2: Apps. For god sake! When I was in the fourth grade their was this girl named Taylor. She looked like a she-man. Butch, blobby, and large. So recently i go onto facebook and she that Taylor She-man has requested to be my friend. Fine, i accept her. Then two days later i check my notifications, she has sent my invites to become a: Vampire, Werewolf, Zombie, Ninja, and Pirate or whatever else the genius' can come up with. Then I scroll down further, she has thrown food at me, given me twelve thousand bumper stickers, compared me on "Compare People", invited me to join the group "Save the bees!", and lastly sent me a free gift. I feel truly blessed. Then i call up my friend and she says she is really into the Flair app. So I download it and get all excited and start sending all of my friends little buttons, but over the next few weeks i get NO buttons in return. So i don't want to feel like a loser so i give my self buttons. Then i go over to my best friends wall and i see she has like a thousand pins. All given to her by other people. "Hey Andrea, have you ever given yourself pieces of flair?" "No everyone else just gave them to me". Back on my wall, except for three I have given them all to myself. I am sad and pathetic. Thanks for sending me all the flair like i sent you!
Oh dear, then we get to the honesty box application. What dim-witted heartless soul thought that up?!?! I get some posts saying things like "Great hair!" "your my best friend" "your sooooo pretty!" then i get this one "you can be really mean sometimes". I then proceeded to inquire "what have i ever done to you?", So, naturally they began to create a list of bad deeds that would make the Bush administration look angelic. I then assume it is one of my drama obsessed frienemies and begin to shun them causing a feud the size of china to blow up in my face. Then later, come to find out, it was my loving big sister. It seems to be biologically predetermined that she screw up any hope for my happiness in the dreaded years of middle school. Thank you honesty box!
Lastly, lets take a look at compare people. According to the world my two best friends are supernaturally gorgeous (go figure) and i am just pretty. So when i go to their profiles they have their social standings from the application on the top of their profile. Their list of superlatives: Prettiest smile, Sexiest, Most kissable, Most beautiful laugh, Most Charismatic, Rather go shopping with, Rather be stuck on a dessert island with, most likely to become a model, blah and blah. Me: Most scientific, Most talkative, Most likely to be caught reading a book. Yay.......

Reason 3: Friends. Whether top friends or friends in general, there is something nefarious about the principle. The whole concept is shamefully heinous and grossly corrupt. Over 40% of the 500 friends they have are friends of friends of friends. Its like a secret competition that goes on between you and your buddies. You have to have more than her because she isn't as cool as you. So you go over to her profile and befriend everyone that you aren't already friends with, 90% of which accept you (even though you have never even met or will ever meet) because they are also silently competing. Then top friends comes along and you see that your best friend is on someones top friends and you decide "omg i hate my best friend because someone else likes her enough to put on their top friends." so you go out and are really nice to certain people and put them on your top and then they will put you on theirs which then makes your best friend do the same thing then you do it again then she does it again until your top friends consists of 14 people that you wouldn't spend a day with because you can't even get through a conversation with out having awkward silences. This vicious circle is the most 12 year old like syndrome that affects so many people it might as well be called Mad Cow Disease.

Reason 4: The News Feed. OK yeah sure its nice to see what your friends are up to because they have been avoiding your phone calls lately because you have more friends than them, but I don't really care that "14 of my friends changed their profile picture." The only reason why i would need that particular update is because i am blind, or have severe glaucoma..... in which case it would be pointless to even have a Facebook anyways. Because you have soooo many friends that you don't really even know, who freaking cares that they changed their profile picture anyway? Oh and the real gems come when you see that "Jennifer commented on Laura's picture: 'Haha nice one'" Yes, that information is truly earth shattering. These kinds of things induce kids to become more reclusive and agoraphobic. People are already avoiding contact with other human beings by refusing to talk on the phone and instead text them (a rant that is surely coming soon) now, they can find out through the Internet that Meg and Billy just broke up.
If your boyfriend posts some pictures of you and him watching a movie together and then you mention an inside joke that sounds mildly obscene, someone who is addicted to facebook will see it and then create some sort of specialist group against the perversion. Sometimes its nice to keep those things private. Although you can exit out everything you've done on your own profile it seems like an extra bit of work to do.

Reason 5: pictures. So your friends decide that you aren't cool enough to be in their group and they kick you out. Its happened to the best of us.... Anyways, one of your ex friends calls you up and you start talking about this new friend you've made, the first thing they do is say "you should put some pictures of her up on facebook!" No! They say this to you because they don't believe you have a new friend, and whether you do or not they whole concept is so that you can prove to other people that you have a cool life. You have tons of pictures of you at the school dance, of you at the high school football game, of you at your cousins school, or on the street corner or by a dumpster, etc. Basically, wherever you can prove that you have more friends and are more popular than other people.
Girls never go to the mall without their friends, not because they want some one to talk to and ask, "does this make me look fat?" because most of the time they secretly hate you as much as you hate them, but because they use you to intimidate other girls. If someone is intimidated by you, you have won some sort of pointless competition. Because humans have decided to severe all bonds with human contact, we have to show superiority by pictures. If you can intimidate someone with photos, then your really cool. Or my personal favorites are when people post ten thousand pictures of themselves posing in a mirror. Oh my freaking gosh GET OVER YOURSELF. Seriously is that all you can do, stand in front of the mirror and put a frowny expression on? OK, OK your profile picture is different, honest! Right, your right. Its something more like this: you with your friend in front of a mirror with a frowny expression AND you changed it to black and white. Boy, you are sure talented and original! Some additional amusements: when someones profile picture is of an inanimate drawing or object (i.e. Lego's, the "little miss sunshine" drawing, or anime), when someone has taken a picture off of someone else's profile and cut it up so that its just them. A tiny sliver of a picture of you.......plus an elbow, a leg, and a hand. Have i missed anything?

Facebook was originally created so that college kids could keep up with their friends from high school or at school but it seems to me that it has slowly turned into an international outbreak of social gaiety. So far it hasn't been a breeding ground for sexual harassers or perverted psychopath's but i say give it some time. By the time that it all catches up with the website, users will have abandoned its purpose and moved on to mybook, facespace, or myface. They abandoned myspace now give it two years, they will do the same to facebook. And on that day my friends, when you all are saying "eh ma gawd, facebook is sooooo lame!", guess who will be saying "I told you so."?